The Nondating Life

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Part Five: The Friend Zone

(Previous post) BUY THIS BOOK!

You say he's just a friend ...

Hello, and welcome back to the Friend Zone. If you have your Frequent Friend Zone card on hand, we'll be happy to stamp it for you before we proceed. By now, you undoubtedly know the drill, but we will go through standard procedures anyway.

First and foremost, we understand and sympathize with the fact that you are here against your will. How you got here-whether you were too passive, never had a shot, acted too much like a sibling, or, perhaps don't realize yet that you're gay-is not really our business and it's not at issue. These things happen, to some of us more than others, sure, but such is life.

Here, have a drink. You'll need it. Of course it tastes bitter. What did you expect? And sit down while we explain, once again, your options.

Option One is to stay here in the Friend Zone. Staying in the Friend Zone gives the impression that you're a mature human being, one willing to take the high road. And, should you find some way to get beyond your obsession, you may end up with a true and good friend. You may come to see this other person as a human and value their insights, their words, enjoy their trust and all the things a real friend has to offer.

But we both know, deep down inside, that that's not going to happen. Because part of the job of being a friend is listening. And here in the Friend Zone, you'll have to listen to her problems. And her problems will, for some reason, always stem from the abuse she's taking from the guy currently in the Boyfriend Zone. You, of course, can try to be a good friend, a good listener and help her out. Feel free to do so. If you enjoy sleepless nights spent alone while alternating between abject depression, feelings of worthlessness and monstrous fits of jealous rage, knock yourself out. Who are we to judge?

Option Two, of course, is to walk across the Friend Zone, open up the door and, simply, leave. This would be the smart thing to do, but again, we don't want to pressure you. Sure, it might seem petty to just walk away. Maybe the object of your affection will be mystified, possibly a little hurt. But let us point out that your primary purpose in life shouldn't be to provide emotional support and affection for someone who has no intentions of climbing into the sack with you. Ever. And while we would never suggest you say something like "Fuck this, I have enough friends" … actually, we would suggest that, not because we value honesty above all, but we like seeing the look on people's faces when they hear that. Also, we understand how hard it will be for you to walk through that door, which entails a complete halt to emails, phone calls, IM, text messaging and all the other things you might use to keep false hope, your biggest enemy in the dating game, alive.

And there you have it. Again, welcome to the Friend Zone. Stay as long as you like. Or leave. Those are your only choices. No matter what anyone says, you cannot leave the Friend Zone the way you came in. There is no door that leads from here to Girlfriend or Boyfriend Zone. You may notice the door, behind the bar, that leads to Drunken One-Night Hookup that Instills in You So Much Hope that You Can't Help but Want to Kill Yourself When You Realize That She's Shoved You Right Back into the Friend Zone (and She's Highly Embarrassed). We don't need to tell you to avoid that. Do we?

So stay. Or go. Your choice. And don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

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15 Comments:

  • One word:
    OUCH

    it's the kind of no hope look I see.
    Really blunt but maybe it's the only way

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:53 PM  

  • Happens to women too....

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:41 PM  

  • I can relate, although I am a *girl* who has spent much time in the Friend Zone.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:28 PM  

  • I was once in such zone, but now am free of it. Friedrich Nietzsche said of women: they make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:36 PM  

  • This quote is one I really like. It is from Bash.org, but describes the problem very well.

    A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably
    interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him
    strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:44 PM  

  • Great article about the friendzone. Getting up and leaving is usually the best way to go. Lol I was trapped in a relationship for 4 years with a girl who didn't even like me, but I liked her. I would wait and wait, but nothing...

    I wrote this article about the friedzone.

    http://taylorsadvicecolumn.blogspot.com/2008/02/5-ways-to-stay-out-of-friendzone.html

    By Blogger Eyden, at 11:53 PM  

  • i just wanted to say that i am planning on marrying a man who, two years ago, i would have sworn i would never let out of the friend zone. i'm not sure how he did it, and i know it's an exception, but it can happen. just throwing that out there.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:08 PM  

  • the friendzone is a terrible place that I lived in for the majority of my life... yeah my entire life...
    but there is hope!
    I was in the friendzone once for 9 years, and that one went to pot, let's be honest, the boyfriend door did not appear and there was no walking into the sunset, but the next time I was in the friendzone it was only for a year and a half (yeah that still sucked) but that friend and I have been dating for about 4 months and things are good.
    don't always lose hope. sometimes it is hopeless, but sometimes it's not

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:36 AM  

  • On the real I love who I am but I hate being me. Its a lonely life allways in the friendzone...
    I've completely lost hope and only find comfort from the things I enjoy doing alone everyday...
    I'm glad somebody finaly hit the nail on the head in this subject but I really wish someone would show me how to solve this problem.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:37 AM  

  • Females can be left in the friends zone too.

    And what are they supposed to do about it?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:35 AM  

  • Happens so many times - its sickening

    Friendzone

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:06 PM  

  • great post!!!
    I love the information! LOVE [KAT]

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    By Blogger Unknown, at 2:18 PM  

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    By Blogger Unknown, at 2:19 PM  

  • In option 2 you speak of not having people who really never supported and never will. This is very true.Buy Cialis

    By Blogger Unknown, at 2:24 PM  

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