Take the low road

Not too long ago, before I was distracted from the worthy mission that is the Nondating blog, someone had mentioned a friend of a friend of a third cousin or something who had an “issue.” Don’t we all.

The issue in this case was as follows: This hapless soul had been wronged in a relationship, been treated questionably, then unceremoniously dumped. Not only that, but the dumper wanted to . . . wait for it . . . remain friends.

Yes, the old “remain friends” gambit.

It goes without saying that the dumpee, though mildly tortured by this, was more than willing to go along with this scenario and was armed with all sorts of rationalizations for this idiotic behavior, chief among them the desire to take the high road.

Before you to rush to judgment, admit it: you’ve done it to yourself before. Hell, despite a firm belief in scorched-earth breakups being the only good breakups, I’ve found myself in this pathetic position.

I guess it’s only natural. And by natural, I mean stupid.

So you find yourself with this weird urge to be polite to a person who has crushed your very soul, yet wants to hang around and remain friends. “Remain friends,” of course, means reminding you every day that you just weren’t up to snuff.

It’s almost funny, this impulse to be nice to the Breakup Bastard. You, the type of person who steals office supplies, gossips about best friends, and once stole your best friend’s significant other simply because you wanted to see if you could pull it off. You suddenly have a keen interest in taking the high road.

“Listen, I can be adult about this situation,” you might say to your friends and yourself (over and over again). This from someone who stomps out of the corner deli personally insulted when it runs out of Super Fudge Chunk.

You might toss in a little extra wisdom for good luck. “It’s not like we’re in high school.” Well, I have two things to say to that. EXACTLY. You’re not in high school and you don’t have to see this person again, you’re not forced into homeroom and/or other awkward situations with this person every day (unless of course you’ve been shagging a coworker, which is an entirely different topic). But, that said, high school never ends. When it comes to relationships, no one – and I mean no one – grows emotionally beyond the 10th grade. That’s as good as it gets, my friend.

So if you’re suffering from a seemingly noble impulse to take the high road, I have some advice: Ignore it.

In this case, the high road is paved with delusion, pot-holed with false hope and dead ends in a stagnant swamp of your own tears.

Besides, it’s the road most taken.

We’ve all done it. Out of some mixture of wounded pride and the unspoken hope that we’ll salvage the relationship, we decide to remain friends with someone who has treated us like so much garbage.

And we’ve all seen how that ends.

So screw it. Disclaimer: I’m not talking cases of mutual break ups. That’s an entirely different set of delusions. I’m talking dumpage—everything from the “It’s not you” speech to finding your lover in bed with someone else.

Why take the high road? This is one of the few times in your life you’re allowed to be petty and vindictive, so you might as well enjoy it. You know how you always fantasize about getting fired or winning the lottery and you have this whole laundry list of things you want to tell your boss?

Well, guess what? You just got fired.

So get dirty. Tell your ex to piss off. Let them see you cry or punch a wall, hear you scream. Call them while you’re drunk off your ass, sobbing or angry, it doesn’t matter. Kiss the high road good by. And leave behind silly phrases such as “I don’t want to give her the satisfaction” or “I’m a better person.”

Bullshit. They’re not going to get any satisfaction from you crying or getting angry. That’s just your retarded ego speaking. He just dumped you. You think he’s getting satisfaction from you freaking out? Hell no. The only thing giving him satisfaction at this point is thinking that he got rid of you. He dumped you and managed to do it without you getting mad. He suggested to remain friends? Guess what? He didn’t mean it. He’s just keeping you around to assuage his guilt (or possibly for stand-by sex). So screw nobility, and screw your ex.

Go nuts. Maybe you’ve dumped a person before and maybe you know that dread you have that the other person is going to make you feel bad. It goes both ways. So if you’re feeling like you’ve been abused and you were dumped without good reason (and, really, is there ever a good reason to dump you? YOU!?), kick it up a notch. Don’t let your ex off the hook so easily.

Let her know just how miserable you feel. Let her know how much it hurts. But don’t be passive about it. Don’t weep and moan and write poetry, as if this is some sort of disease that just sort of happens to people randomly. Oh no. Let her know, in clear and explicit terms, that all this pain and misery is her fault. And let her know you’re not happy about it. Tell her, tell her parents, tell your mutual friends.

Worried she might think you’re pathetic? Well, who cares what she thinks? She dumped you, for crying out loud. Worried he might think you’re a psycho? And? Who made you that way?

Friendship is for chumps and suckers. If you’re out of college, there’s no reason to go collecting friends of the opposite sex in the first place. You have enough friends bugging you with phone calls, making demands on your time, pestering you with their stupid relationship problems. What, you want another friend? No, of course not. Besides, you didn’t get into this particular relationship looking for a friend, now, did you?

Not only do I say to hell with the high road, I encourage you to take the other person down into the mud with you. Besides, did she not say, “It’s not you, it’s me?” So, obviously, she needs to be taught a lesson.

Just don’t take it too far. I’m not advocating stalking, tire slashing or house-burning (but mostly for legal reasons and, hey, there’s a lot to be said for catharsis).

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UPDATE: A "Ken's stupid and wrong" post and a comment-section debate. I guess it would be too much to ask that the debate happen on MY site.