Part Eleven: The Great Escape

(Previous post)

Okay, boys and girls, this is going to be, for this series, a short one. Sure, I haven't yet told you how to snag a date, a lover, a shag or whatever it is you're looking for. Went straight to the sex. But this IS called the NONdating Life and I've admitted to being an idiot at my own relationships and, well, you get what you pay for.

Today, we're going to talk about the great escape. You've got yourself someone interested in you and, what do you know, now that they're interested, you just aren't feeling it. Funny how that happens. Often. But we're not here to discuss what this never-ending cycle of chase and grow bored says about you as a person. We're here to get you out of this mess with ease and dignity, while NOT doing severe damage to the other person. After all, he or she was kind enough to fall for whatever line of shit you were selling this time.

What you should do: Be honest. HAHAHAHAHAHA. But seriously. Give it a go. You don't have to be brutally honest, as in, "I've decided I don't like the way your nose sits on your face" or "Your tongue reminds me of a rabid eel." A nice, vague truth will do fine. "I just don't know where my head is at right now." See? That's true. That implies you're too screwed up at the moment to handle the person. And at least part of that statement is true. Do not say "It's not you, it's me." That's a lie. And do not give any source of hope, as in "I really like you, too. And maybe at some other time ..." Always work under the assumption that you're dealing with Lloyd Christmas and that a person foolish enough to be smitten with you will also be foolish enough to see one in a million as good odds.

What you're going to do: Disappear. That's right. You don't have the balls to be honest, so the next best thing you can do is just disappear completely. Cut off all communication. No phone calls, no emails, no IM. No nothing. Sure, you're going to feel guilty about this, but so what? That's just that part of you trying to protect your own image as a good guy or good girl. Guess what? You're not one. Not in this case. And, ultimately, the best thing you can do for the other person and yourself is to keep your mouth shut and your fingers off the keyboard. It may even prompt them to HATE you, which is the healthiest thing in the world and the quickest cure for infatuation.

What you shouldn't do: You should not attempt the fade-away. The fade-away is just a half-ass attempt at disappearing, an attempt to let the other person down slowly and easily while seemingly clearing you of the guilt of disappearing. Half-assed doesn't work anywhere else in life, it doesn't work here. And the fade-away makes a liar of you. And you shouldn't lie. Not just because it's not nice, but mostly because you suck at it. Oh, you might think you're good at it, but you're not--especially when it comes to the kind of lame-ass lies you have to tell to try a fade-away.

Guys. Don't do it. You just look dumb. Besides, as uncommunicative as we are, the disappearing act should be the easiest thing in the world. It's the one instance where you don't have to talk at all. Look, she already half-suspected you were an insensitive jerk in the first place, so you're actually validating her belief system. Besides, these piddly little lies are just plain unmanly. You should have given this sort of lie up when you graduated college. And beware of teachers (see below).

Ladies. God, where do I even begin. Let me break this news to you gently. I don't care how cute you are, the only guy over 25 who's buying your lies is your dad. We know all the tricks in the book. Bat your eyelashes all you want. And those of us who used to be teachers know you're GOING to lie even before you open your mouth or before you're two words into an email. Hell, if we're still holding out a little hope, we'll sit there and nod while you keep piling up the most ridiculous fucking stories in the world about how your cellphone is on the fritz (while you're in the middle of texting someone else) or your roommates must not be relaying the messages (although we've left no messages and your roommate has been out of town for two weeks) or you were in the shower (for two weeks).

You're doing no one any favors with lies and half-assed let-downs. You're only building up bad karma while allowing false hope to hang around and louse up the joint. And woe be to you if you are dealing with someone who isn't a complete idiot. Because a lot of people don't mind being lied to so much. But they do mind having their intelligence insulted with stupid lies that no one (aside from your parents) would believe. Then it moves from something like "Oh, she doesn't like me, that sucks" to "That bitch gonna pay!"

So beat it. Scram. Disappear. Let them feel the soothing power of hate. Let them get over you and keep your ego and your guilt out of it. Out of sight, out of mind works best for both of you. (And really, be honest, you're feeling guilty mostly because you like the drama.)

You want to be "friends" with this person? Tough shit. Suck it up and move on. The best chance for that to happen is to let them get over the smit--and having you hang around isn't going to accomplish that. But maybe, one day down the road, perhaps after they've had the chance to screw over someone else in turn, they'll realize you're not a complete and total blight on humanity and they'll think maybe you're worthy of friendship.

Unless you lied to them like you used to lie to your English teachers--then you're just going to hell.

But look at it this way. You'll be going to hell without them stalking you the whole way.

(Next post in series)