The Nondating Life

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Part Ten: Going All the Way

or, When 'Ladies First' is NOT Optional
or Don't Worry About Giving the Milk Away for Free, He's Already Made up His Mind Regarding the Purchase of This Particular Cow

(Previous post)

Now that you and your special friend have exchanged saliva, it's time to move on. You've put your tongue in her mouth, it's now time to put it elsewhere.

Let's overlook the fact that I've managed to completely ignore certain things like "Meeting someone" and "Securing a date" and "How not to totally screw up the first date." Let's just get straight to the good stuff.

Also, let's grossly oversimplify things by saying that there are two types of first-time sex.

The first is the "We had quite a bit to drink on the first or second date and went all the way." In the case of the woman, she convinced herself that no way was that going to happen. She will start to overanalyze the situation and worry that the man now thinks she's a slut or she's easy. She will feel guilty. For most women, no matter how "liberated" she may be, the voice of her mother or grandmother will start haranguing her through the haze of that hangover. In the case of the man, he'll wake up thinking, "Sweet" and then, "Man, I need some coffee."

The second is the "I really like this person and I don't want to rush into it just yet because I want it to be special." Of course, by special, we mean we're going to go on three, four or five dates, letting the pressure build up, making it obvious to both of you exactly what's going on here, that the sex will now be imbued with all sorts of meaning and expectations. When the time finally comes around and, ladies, you're wearing your special skivvies and are freshly shaved, waxed and plucked, you'll both end up getting nervous and the sex will never live up to whatever it was you built up in your mind in the first place. Then the woman will think, "Was it too soon" and "God, that was over kind of quick" and "Maybe he doesn't really like me." The man will think, "Sweet" and then, "I'm getting suddenly sleepy, I wonder if she enjoy ... zzzzzzzzzzz."

Either of those options is perfectly valid. I think the first gets too much of a bad rap. I think the second is silly for obvious reasons, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't fall into that same trap sometimes. And even some of the most manly, ornery men in the world have also decided to take it slow when it was a woman they really liked. Okay, that's a lie. Those ornery men only convinced themselves that it was partly their idea that they're waiting for an arbitrary date to compare naughty bits.

And ladies? I've lectured some of you about this before. You really need to get over this "He's going to think I'm easy and run off if I have sex with him too soon" thing. If you want to have sex with the guy, if you think it would be fun, you might as well do it sooner than later? Why? If he's the type of guy who'd ditch you after having sex on the first or second date, he's the type of guy who'd ditch you after having sex on the fifth or sixth date. He could be a player. He could be a nice guy who's got subconscious issues, a guy who doesn't even realize he's the type who's much more into the challenge represented by the woman than the woman herself. And that's usually what it is, a matter of conquest, of winning a game. I can almost guarantee you that most guys never have sex with a girl early on and think, "Gee golly. She's way too easy for my liking. Mamma warned me about girls like that." You keep stringing him along, trying to get your emotional hooks in him, if he's the type, he's STILL going skeedaddle shortly after you give it up.

If he's really and truly smitten with you, he's not going to think less of you if you give it up. In fact, especially as men get a little older and feel like they're getting short on time, they're much more likely to get bored with this sort of game. If you want to wait for any particular reason--religion, you've been burned before, it's just your style--be sure to be upfront about the waiting period, your reasons for establishing it and how long it's going to be, whether it be "When I'm damn well ready" or "When you take the white dress off of me in some hotel room in Tahiti."

Either way, I ask you, considering you are sexually active and you DO want to get your freak on with this guy, what's the point of waiting. If he is the type who's going to jet about five minutes after he gets his, would you rather that happen early on, when it's a minor infatuation and you can shrug it off as "Well, I had a good time, even if he was a prick," or later on when you've convinced yourself that this relationship is going places and now you're heart is crushed AND you feel like a fool for giving it up to someone you THOUGHT had deep feelings for you? I don't know, maybe it's because I'm a guy, but I'd much rather feel slightly sluttish than like a Grade A chump.

If the guy is really into you, though, you shouldn't worry so much about this. Like I said, if he's a good guy and he likes you... then he's a good guy and he likes you. If you want to add a little extra insurance, fine. It's simple. Kick his ass in the sack. Give him everything he thinks he wants, then give him some more. And don't let him stop after the first go around (it's a bad precedent to set anyway). Make him sweat, make him faint, make him work so hard that he'll be so sore the next couple of days he'll HAVE to think about you every time he tries to move.

But. BUT. You should only do this AFTER he's tried to do the same for you. This sort of thing should be a reward for good behavior.

Couple of things to the ladies. Yes, I'm aware that some of you don't like to be on the receiving end of oral for any number of reasons: you're whacked in the head; you've got control issues; you're paranoid that that unfresh feeling isn't only in your mind; or, finally, you just like to get right down to business and the last thing you want is some poor sap fumbling around down there without a clue. I guess all of those, except the uncleanly thing, are legitimate reasons. Whacked in the head? I can identify. Control issues? I'm personally inclined not to let someone go down on me unless I've done it first. Getting down to business? Well, sometimes you just want to ... well ... fuck or be fucked. Literally, screw the niceties. And bad oral sex? Well, as a guy ... I wouldn't know. I've had subpar blowjobs, but they were still pretty good. But thanks to anatomy or a sadistic creator, you're equipment is a little more demanding. ... And the unfresh thing? Unless you've just run a marathon, rolled around in a barrel of onions and just went to the bathroom, I wouldn't worry about that. In all my years, I've only come across one experience that was malodorous and, well, the less said about that the better. But I finished the job anyway.

But for whatever reason, even if you don't feel like him fooling around down there, he should make the offer and you should accept it. Especially on the first time. This is a much more important test than him opening a door for you or pulling your chair out at dinner or holding your coat. Even if he's awful at it, you should let him stay down there just to see how long he persists, to see if he's going to commit to finishing what he started. If he's not offering to go down the first time, when he should be trying to impress you, chances are it isn't going to get any better than that.

Now the guys might be up in arms right now, saying, "Ken, what the hell are you doing to us?!?" To which I say, "Shut up." What, like it takes a monumental effort to get a guy off? Like you couldn't be done and passed out sleeping (or on the way out the door) with a minimal effort? Men have to concentrate NOT to finish within the first five seconds minutes. Some women have to concentrate to finish at all. I've had female friends of mine in their 30s tell me they've never had an orgasm at all. And that just makes me want to cry.

So guys, you need to head to south. And you need to head south like you mean it. You should mean it. I guess just as the enthusiam levels in women for receiving it vary widely, so goes it for men, ranging from "You want me to put my mouth where?" to "But I don't want to eat my vegetables" to "Can I have a bib, I'm going to be a while" to "Let me just get this string out of the way... Look, ma! No hands." But show her you mean it. She might resist a little bit, but you should insist. And by insist, I'm not talking rape. I'm assuming you're both mostly nekkid at this point and groping and fondling. By insist, I mean saying you really, really, really (really) want to or gently pushing her hands away when she tries to stop you. As always, if she says "No" in the same tone one uses to reprimand a dog, then, well, she means no. But otherwise, show some enthusiasm.

And by enthusiasm, I don't mean acting like those guys in pornos that jam their heads down there and then have something that looks like a cross between an epileptic fit and those puppet things from the old Tool videos. I'm assuming you know what part you should be focusing on and ultimately it's up to the woman you're with to provide hints and clues to exactly how that part should be dealt with. If you're clueless and too afraid to ask, I'm sure there are books to be found. Hold on a second. Yup. Here's one. God bless the Interwebs. I mean he's got a Ph.D AND they published a book so he has to know SOMETHING, right? RIGHT?

So go down south and prepare to stay awhile. And stay down there until she's done (usually, you'll know this because you'll almost end up suffocating when her legs clamp down around your head and she won't let you go) or she gets bored or wants to switch up to regular freaky-deaky (she'll probably just pull you up by the ears). But stay down there until you've been given a clear sign that you can stop. So what if you're tongue hurts so much you speak with a lisp the next day. It's just a sign of a hard night's work.

Besides, if you at least try hard, you increase the chances that she's going to try hard. And she just might swallow! Ladies, I'm assuming that since you're typically smarter than guys I don't have to lecture you on this particular issue, do I? After all, you didn't make the damn fool assumption that just because I'm telling guys to please you, I'm going to tell them to give up all hopes and expectations and let you walk away scott free?

So, yes, ladies first. And if, by some miracle, you are able to knock her damn near out just with oral sex and she, like some, I don't know, man ... almost falls asleep afterward and you're left hanging... Okay, c'mon. What are the chances of that? But if it SHOULD happen? So what? You've just earned some major points and, trust me, unless she's the most selfish woman in the world, she'll more than reward you for it.

At any rate, after the man has paid his dues, then, well, you two can figure it out for yourselves. I'm assuming if it's one of these wait-six-dates-and-make-a-big-deal, you'll be making "sweet, sweet love."

If you've been drinking and being randy in a bar somewhere, it'll probably be more along the lines "wild monkey sex," which, for those of you totally lacking in imagination, is defined as various positions; lots of sweating and really heavy panting; scratch marks and possibly bite marks; maybe some weird noises from random body parts; grunting and/or hooting and/or hollering; getting tangled up in the fitted sheets (if the bed is even used at all); and, afterward, looking at one another with a wild-eyed stare as if to say, "What the hell just happened here?"

Bananas are optional.

And one more thing ... bananas may be optional, but a little post-game performance isn't. This is mostly for the guys because, and I know from experience, that after you're done it's like the life has been sucked right out of you (pun only partly intended) and it's all you can do to keep your eyes open. If you're into the girl, keep your eyes open, stick around for awhile and let the girl know you're there because you like her, not just because she was the only thing going that night. This is important whether it be a date, a girlfriend or even a friend with benefit thing (but in the latter case, don't get gushy or sentimental, just make it known that you're appreciative). And ladies, on the other hand, after sex is NOT the time to start having in-depth conversations of any sort. If you're guy is capable of staying awake and muttering monosyllabic sweet nothings, be happy. If he's wide awake, staring at the ceiling and wants to talk... well, something ain't quite right anyway.

(Next post in series)


  • I have never heard a more amusing and spot-on description of "wild monkey sex".

    By Anonymous reanjr, at 1:43 AM  

  • I just want to say that you are an utter genius, and I have been addicted to your blogs since I discovered them about 20 minutes ago.

    Callie From Texas

    By Blogger Callie, at 6:46 PM  

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